


geralt of rivia can meet me in the fucking pit

by the_great_escapist



Category: The Witcher (TV), Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Fluff, Multi, Mutual Pining, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, also there's no high school aus for the witcher what's up with that, the chat fic no one wanted or needed but you're getting anyway
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-11
Updated: 2020-01-11
Packaged: 2021-02-22 14:13:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22217320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_great_escapist/pseuds/the_great_escapist
Summary: the bitcher: #riprenfri2019***In other words: the no-powers-high-school-au-chat fic you didn't know you wanted. Professors are punched, detentions are distributed, friendships are forged, and Geralt suffers (but like, still less than in canon)
Relationships: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Yennefer z Vengerbergu | Yennefer of Vengerberg, Minor or Background Relationship(s), geralt x yen is temporary sorry guys, i still love her!
Comments: 27
Kudos: 227





	geralt of rivia can meet me in the fucking pit

**Author's Note:**

> So this is the first fic I'm posting and it's a shitty groupchat fic. Figures.  
> This is based on the show and the games, but you don't have to play the games to read this!! Also the characterization may be a bit off, I'm still figuring stuff out  
> This'll probs be 8 chapters for every episode of the Netflix show, but we'll see  
> No one in this show is straight and neither am i

**Family chat**

Vesemir: So. Which one of you is it this time?

lambitch: wdym

esgay: have you been called to talk with a teacher again?

Vesemir: Yes.

Vesemir: “Concerning one of your sons.”

Vesemir: They don’t seem very concerned to me.

lambitch: omg did geralt get into a fight again

esgay: you say it as if we’re less guilty of unprompted violence.

Vesemir: Listen to Eskel, Lambert. He tends to say wise things. Also, I would ask you again to change your username, it’s more than inappropriate.

lambitch: i would refuse

lambitch: again

esgay: lambert’s poor life choices are a great topic for any day but we should get back to the original discussion 

esgay: what did geralt do this time

lambitch: change your mind did you

esgay: well neither of us were in school today so like

esgay: obviously it was him

lambitch: good point good point. 

lambitch: shall we ask the man himself

lambitch: @the-bitcher @the-bitcher @the-bitcher @the-bitcher @the-bitcher 

the bitcher: I will literally hit you

lambitch: you can try

Vesemir: Hello, Geralt.

Vesemir: Can none of you understand the meaning of propriety? Shouldn’t you avoid swearing in front of your guardian?

the bitcher: sorry

Vesemir: I know you’re not, but let’s not dwell on it. What did you do?

the bitcher: I have no idea what youre talking about

Vesemir: Sure, sure. You know I’m going to find out what happened anyway, right? Why don’t you tell me your side of the story?

the bitcher: nothing to tell

Vesemir: Right, right. And I suppose you the reason I’m being called to the school is to be congratulated on your exceptional behavior?

lambitch: ohhh roasted

lambitch: sorry I couldn’t handle the tension

lambitch: eskel is our family falling apart before our very eyes

esgay: by that logic it would have fallen apart long ago since they have this exact conversation every week

lambitch: at least not every day tho 

Vesemir: Boys, Geralt and I are having a serious discussion.

the bitcher: oh were we? I thought you wanted to congratulate me on my exceptional behavior 

Vesemir: Geralt, please.

the bitcher: oh so now you’re being all polite huh

Vesemir: Just tell me what’s wrong. 

the bitcher: god you’re not going to lay off are you

the bitcher: fucking fine

the bitcher: nothing happened except stregobor being a creep but that’s like the norm right

the bitcher: and no one does anything about it

the bitcher: everyone just watches

the bitcher: every time

the bitcher: well I’m fucking done

the bitcher: usually he’s just saying stuff but he touched renfris shoulder today and i 

the bitcher: fuck

_the bitcher is now offline._

esgay: ...

esgay: well

lambitch: i might get in trouble for this but thank god someone punched that piece of shit whoo 

Vesemir: That explains things.

Vesemir: I need to go. If he comes back, tell him I think he should have handled matters differently, but I also am proud of him. 

_Vesemir is now offline._

esgay: not a boring day in this family

lambitch: i kno 

lambitch: I love it

_esgay, lambitch are now offline._

***

**Geralt’s gang**

_rentfree is now online._

_rentfree changed the name of the chat to:_ **fuck you geralt come at me**

rentfree: Geralt of rivia can meet me in the fucking PIT

the bitcher: oh my god you’re still going

rentfree: you bet your ass I’m still going!!!! I’m an unstoppable force you fucking excuse for a dipshit

the bitcher: i literally punched the guy who harassed you

the bitcher: i helped

rentfree: you ruined a perfectly good revenge plan is what you did!!!!!!! 

rentfree: all was coming along so WELL

rentfree: i was gathering MEN we were going to attack at dawn

rentfree: then you came along like a fucking knight in shining armor

rentfree: and now not only i won’t get the glory of a battle won but ALSO he’s going to be more alert!!! did you not think of that????

the bitcher: no in fact I did not. wanna know why?

the bitcher: because no normal person plans an assassination attempt on their high school teacher renfri 

rentfree: oh please we wouldn’t kill him

rentfree: just rough him up a little you know

the bitcher: how is that better 

rentfree: well for once it’s not a criminal offense!!!

rentfree: that you could prove anyway

sexy goth gf: hate to break it to you, but the apartment complex stregobor lives in is so nice there are cameras everywhere.

rentfree: how would you know

sexy goth gf: because I live there, genius.

sexy goth gf: you know, aretuza? the place where my adopted mother lives?

Rentfree: oh snap right

merigolden heart: Wait, but isn’t a woman on the inside a good thing?

merigolden heart: Some footage could theoretically conveniently go missing

Rentfree: your MIND

Rentfree: well it doesn’t matter anymore anyway cause SOMEONE did it first

the bitcher: I think we should swap names. mine would fit you better

buttercup: WOW ROASTED

the bitcher: hello jaskier 

buttercup: <3 <3 <3

sexy goth gf: that’s my boyfriend you’re sending heart emojis to.

buttercup: hey guys am I the only one hearing some snake hissing or

sexy goth gf: you should probably get your hearing checked since this is a written conversation.

buttercup: yea well maybe you should get your heart checked

buttercup: doesn’t seem like it exists

the bitcher: stop it jaskier.

sexy goth gf: tell him babe ;)

the bitcher: you stop as well

the bitcher: the hearts don’t mean anything and jaskier knows we’re dating

buttercup: unfortunately i do

sexy goth gf: you just need a reminder sometimes :)

buttercup: trust me not necessary

rentfree: hey this is adorable and all but can we get back on track?????

rentfree: justice doesn’t wait for your love quarrels to finish

rentfree: geralt im still waiting for an apology

the bitcher: you’re going to wait for a long time.

rentfree: how long? I’m a busy woman

the bitcher: indefinitely.

rentfree: is that so

rentfree: well that’s a doozy isn’t it

buttercup: gettin ominous vibes

merigolden heart: no kidding D:

rentfree: oh come on guys

rentfree: me n geralt are tight! I would never harm him

buttercup: except you are the second most terrifying woman I have ever met

rentfree: wait wtf

rentfree: second??!!!

rentfree: who’s the first???

sexy goth gf: nice to meet you :)

buttercup: ^^^

rentfree: should have guessed

merigolden heart: yennefer is not terrifying though? she’s nice 

buttercup: who is this lady you’re talking about and how can I meet her

sexy goth gf: simple steps. first, you need to be triss.

sexy goth gf: that’s it.

buttercup: ah

buttercup: i get it

the bitcher: get what?

merigolden heart: ^?

sexy goth gf: I would like to know also.

rentfree: same?

buttercup: nothing

_buttercup is now offline._

the bitcher: well that was wierd

merigolden heart: you don’t say... is he ok?

the bitcher: you think something’s wrong?

merigolden heart: I’m sure it’s nothing to worry about, geralt!

the bitcher: there’s always something to worry about when it comes to him.

_the bitcher is now offline._

sexy goth gf: there he goes 

rentfree: no but for jaskier to GET smth and not immediately say it to everyone ever? huh 

sexy goth gf: it’s not as uncommon as you think

sexy goth gf: depends on what he “got” though.

merigolden heart: we tend to underestimate jaskier :)

sexy goth gf: sure.

sexy goth gf: I’ll go check on my boyfriend.

_sexy goth gf is now offline._

merigolden heart: i swear she’s just rubbing it in

_merigolden heart is now offline._

rentfree: wait where’s everybody gone

rentfree: aren’t you guys FORGETTING SOMETHING?

rentfree: god they’re useless

_rentfree is now offline._

***

**the bitcher’s private messages.**

rentfree: hey geralt!! can you meet me outside of school tomorrow before class? I swear it’s not about the thing thx bye

_read 9:27_

***

**Family Chat**

Vesemir: I’ve returned. Geralt, you’re not grounded, but the board has issued detention. Again.

Vesemir: On the good side, Stregobor is in some serious trouble. Seems it’s going to stick.

lambitch: hell yea

lambitch: also when was the last time geralt didn’t have detention

esgay: centuries have passed

esgay: perhaps the only soul to remember those times is Vesemir himself, if only because he’s old as shit

Vesemir: I may not have to ground one son, but I can still choose to ground another.

esgay: sir understood sir 

_esgay is now offline._

lambitch: weakling

_the bitcher is now online._

the bitcher: I’m worried for jaskier

lambitch: when aren’t you 

the bitcher: true but still

the bitcher: he said something vague in our chat then went offline and isn’t answering my messages 

the bitcher: I swear he’s more trouble than he’s worth

Vesemir: The only reason he is any trouble at all is because you care, Geralt. 

lambitch: hahahahahahhaa gay

the bitcher: lambert you are literally gay

lambitch: yea but im cool about it 

lambitch: i actually have a bf

the bitcher: I’m straight and dating yen

lambitch: don’t say that name this is a christian chat

the bitcher: lambert.

lambitch: I can sense your glare 

lambitch: and you’re in a different room

lambitch: ok whatever you can do what you want with your life who cares

the bitcher: thanks for the permission asshole

lambitch: have I earned a ride to school in roach

the bitcher: never

the bitcher: also I’m leaving earlier tomorrow, meeting a friend

_esgay is now online._

esgay: WHAT

lambitch: WHAT

esgay: @Vesemir GERALT SAID THE F WORD

Vesemir: Congratulations on conquering your allergy to feelings, son. We’re very proud of you! 

lambitch: IS THIS ABT YOUR BARD AT LEAST

esgay: HE DESERVES IT HES BEEN PUTTING UP WITH YOUR ASS FOR SO LONG

the bitcher: no it’s someone else

the bitcher: also fuck you guys

_the bitcher is now offline._

Vesemir: They grow up so fast.

***

**fuck you geralt come at me**

_the bitcher is now online._

the bitcher: WHAT THE FUCK RENFRI

merigolden heart: what did she do?

buttercup: basically she asked geralt to meet her, tried to pick a fight with him to get him suspended or smth, then someone saw her hit geralt, told a teacher and they took her to the principal’s office

the bitcher: surprisingly this is actually accurate

the bitcher: i think this was supposed to be revenge or something

the bitcher: i mean it didn’t work and I’m not mad or anything

sexy goth gf: incredible

the bitcher: but that girl is straight up insane

merigolden heart: oh renfri...

merigolden heart: i actually feel bad for her :(

sexy goth gf: hashtag rip renfri 2019

sexy goth gf: #riprenfri2019

buttercup: #riprenfri2019

merigolden heart: #riprenfri2019

the bitcher: #riprenfri2019

***

rentfree: I lived bitch

**Author's Note:**

> There it is! I realize that everyone is mean to yen in this chapter. its not intentional!! she's actually one of my favorite characters. I promise there's more love for her on the way.  
> Consider leaving a comment or kudos!! I would really really appreciate it (eyes emoji)


End file.
